Though speaking the truth in love may be uncomfortable for us, it is one of the primary means of solving problems, and bringing us closer in our relationships. Oftentimes, your partner feels persecuted by feedback, as if he is the victim; and you, the persecutor. In reality, he may be the one victimising you with his behaviour. To continue with, when your partner feels persecuted by hearing the truth, the tendency for him to become defensive increases. In line with, as your partner resists feedback or becomes defensive, he keeps himself from the truth that instills hope, brings healing, and improves his life and the relationship. In this, how to deal with a defensive partner headlines important.
Flavours Of Defensiveness
Proceeding along, your partner may feel upset with you for bringing up the truth that disturbs his sense of well-being, a sense that is not related to reality. Again, he may create inaccurate reasons for his behaviour, reasons that satisfy himself and reduce his responsibility. Plus, he may speak of an issue as less serious than it is, blame or point at an external source as the source of his problem. Furthermore, he may deny the problem or project it on you. Projection occurs when your partner disallows responsibility for a problem, but then sees the problem in you.
To Good, How To Deal With A Defensive Partner And Open Him Or Her To The Truth That Stimulates Healing Unfurls
1. Stop Being Surprised That Your Partner Does Not Welcome The Truth
Accepting the reality, that for whatever reason, your partner avoids the truth, helps you to take steps to increase the chances that in time he will see the truth as something that stimulates healing.
2. Practice Grace And Love
In spite of his defensiveness, your partner also needs relationship, safety, and grace. Truth to tell with, grace and love increases the odds for anything redemptive happening during the course of the conversation. For better, approach your partner, being for him, knowing that you also need love and grace. Expounding further, grace facilitates easy acceptance and digestion of the truth. A way of starting with grace and love, features. “I’d like to talk about keeping the apartment clean. How you leave your clothes strewn all around stands as a problem to me, and I would like to find a solution to it. For the moment, I want you to know that I’m not trying to put you down. Our relationship means a lot to me, and I like being with you. As a matter of fact, I am bringing up the problem because it is getting in the way of our relationship. I want us to be closer.” For real, practicing love at all events, sets you to notions of how to deal with a defensive partner.
3. Make The Conversation More Productive By Not Reacting To Reactions
Oftentimes, we are tempted to respond in kind, anger to anger, blame to blame. Of a truth, this attitude is not the most helpful thing to do. Settled, giving up your right to pay back in kind numbers you with the matured. Having a “tight rein”on your tongue and speaking from your maturity, promotes problem-solving. Buttressing further, this maturity keeps down lecturing and power play. Frequently, when you keep from engaging in power play, by not reacting to his reaction, he drops it and gets to the problem.
4. Get Off The Subject To Talk About Why You Can’t Talk About The Subject
If your partner continues to minimise, deny or project the problem, it may be productive to make the defensiveness the issue. Advantage to highlight with, bringing up the topic of his defensiveness, can help him to see what he is doing wrong, take responsibility for it, and repent of it. This can stand as a viable approach. “Do you observe that we cannot talk about your temper without your getting mad and blaming me? I don’t know if you are aware of this, and I wanted to find out before we continue. Maybe we can drop the temper thing for the moment, and talk about your feelings about this conversation, to see if we are on the same page. We can return to my question after that.”
5. Hear And Understand Your Partner’s Perspective Without Evaluation Or Judgement
Benefit to note with, your partner often becomes less reactive, defensive or resistant when she feels listened to. Pursuing this further, listening to your partner includes not only hearing her perspective, but also listening to her negative emotions. By doing this, you help her to bear or contain, and process her emotions, without panicking or being overwhelmed. As well, listening and understanding your partner, on an emotional level does not mean agreement. What is more, when you fail to listen to your partner, she may feel discounted or negated. As a result, the conversation process may be hampered. For good, you can be emotionally present without editorialising. “Fill me in on why you feel it’s my fault. What do you figure that I do to you.” No doubt, as you listen to your partner without evaluation, you begin to unriddle how to deal with a defensive partner.
6. Be A self-self-scrutinising And Self-correcting Person
Despite your partner’s defensiveness or attack, listen and reflect on what you are hearing to see whether it is true. Building on this, take the initiative to find out whether you are provoking the problem, even if you are not being blamed. Then, start self-correcting measures. This can help to resolve defensiveness. To point out with, use what you are hearing to locate within weaknesses to repent of and work through. This inquiry is helpful here. “Tell me more about how I nag you, so I can catch myself at beginning of this problematic behaviour and arrest it. I’m really sorry about this, because I don’t want to be that way to you. I don’t want our relationship to be burdened.”
7. Tell Your Partner About The Effect Of The Resistance On You
It is difficult to confront a problem while your partner is being hostile towards you. Plus, hostility cuts off the relationship, and it hurts. To make it plain, let your partner know about the effect of his resistance or defensiveness on you. This could help him access that aspect of him that cares for you and doesn’t want to see you hurt. In this process, avoid making him responsible for your emotional stability and well-being, to keep from dependency that could feature as a problem. “When I talk about problems and get attacked for it, by you, I don’t feel close to you. I drift away from you inside.” Point of fact, being open about the effects of your partner’s defensiveness on you, primes you for the notions of how to deal with a defensive partner.
8. Avoid Responding Parentally
For better, hold yourself from statements like “How can you act as if none of this is your fault? I expect a lot better from you.” This kind of statement only starts a defensive partner to push you further away, to ward off the guilt and attack he feels. To bring about a productive outcome, make your point, stand firm, and keep from attacking or condemning your partner. Taking this further, promote a position where neither you nor your partner reigns. “I’m not here to put you down over this problem. Neither you nor I is perfect, and that’s okay with me. Still, I cannot ignore your attitude, because it prevents us from solving any problem. I want to work on this with you.”
9. Let Your Partner Win The Control Game
If your partner is invested in a power struggle with you, let her win the control game, to keep her from feeling more threatened or competitive, and escalating the conflict. Truth to, we have ability to control ourselves, not others. Along with, admitting that you are helpless to go any further, stands you vulnerable with your partner. This vulnerability is capable of shifting the conversation from power to the relationship. Your openness makes it safe for her to look at the problem.
10. Do Not Approach A Confrontation As If It Were A Debate
In a personal confrontation with a resistant partner, taking a position to make her wrong, and yourself right, can work against your desire to solve the problem at hand. Pursuant to, make your partner see more of the truth, than a drive to win the argument. Let her see that you are more invested in nurturing the relationship than winning the debate. As you do this, you demonstrate that you care about your partner, and simply want to keep the peace and solve the problem. This approach increases the chances that your partner will respond well, and opens you more to ideas behind how to deal with a defensive partner.
11. Persist And Continue Giving Safety And Grace To Your Partner
The safety and grace you persistently extend to your partner, can eventually melt a hard heart. In addition, the truth you speak can bring enlightenment; and the feedback you provide, perspective on how a problematic behaviour affects others that matter. Here is a way. “It is important for me to bring up again your attacks on me for talking about problems. Of a truth, it is still happening. Dropping the subject is not an option, because it is crucial for the health and future of our relationship.”
12. Set Up Appropriate Consequences If Needed
If you have tried long and hard, to get your partner to own an issue, and he is still deflecting, blaming, and avoiding, it may be constructive to end the feedback and set appropriate consequences. Following on, say it with grace and truth, not with control. “You’d rather deny your part and make excuses than take responsibility for the problems you cause in our relationship. Everything I’ve said have not made any difference in how you see the situation. I cannot go on with things the way they are. If you don’t own your tendency to blame me for the problem, I will change how I relate to you in this marriage. This may mean not been as open and available to you as I have been.” Finally, provide a path back if your partner changes. “I will be happy to stop these consequences if you decide to change.”
How to deal with a defensive partner means giving your partner the right amount of grace, truth, and firmness he needs in order to be aware of, own, and repent of his problem.